Or at least I’m trying to be. It’s been 9 days since my last cigarette. For those of you who really know me, you’ll know exactly what kind of miracle that is.
I’ll be frank and honest. I’m a 2-4 pack a day smoker. 3 packs on average. Which means, I go through two cartons of cigarettes every week. I also drink 1-2 pots of coffee daily, along with 5-8 32-ounce glasses of ice tea (with 3-4 packets of sweet-n-low in every glass) daily.
Disgusting right? *sigh* I’ve used every excuse in the book not to quit: “It’s my only bad habit.” “Well, I’ve got to die of something.” “I enjoy smoking.” Etc. etc. etc. And while these statements are true for the most part, I know, rationally, that my habit is killing me.
So…9 days ago on Jan 3rd, I put down a cigarette I was ready to light up, and haven’t lit up since. Now, don’t go thinking I did this with any kind of grace. I was sick. Like major couldn’t breathe, had to be put on steroids and antibiotics kind of sick. So the quitting at the moment was completely not my plan. I just couldn’t smoke that day because my lungs were burning and full of junk.
Here’s where the problem begins…4 days after I’m jonesing for a cigarette. I want one so bad it makes me jittery to my very toes. I’m still coughing up junk. Still on all the medications, not even better, but a little better, right? So, of course I want a cigarette. I tell myself to give it another day. Let my shit heal up some more, and then I’ll have a cigarette.
Okay, so I make it through day 4, then day 5, then day 6…. it should be getting easier, right? Wrong-O! It’s still hard. I still want to smoke so bad I’m ready to mug a homeless guy for his butts. (Okay, seriously, I have three cartons here at the house that I can’t bring myself to throw away. They are damned expensive people, and when 2012 happens, I might be able to use them as currency). But you get the point. I really, really, want to smoke. It helps that I’m staying away from coffee and ice tea. I’m drinking strictly water and almond milk (allergies to dairy), since caffeine and just about any drink with flavor triggers my need to smoke! ARGH!
So, I tell my BFFs on Day 7 in a short, curt email that I haven’t had a cigarette in 7 days and I really wanna. And they get all rah-rah cheerleader on me, making me feel like an even bigger schmuck because I miss the smell and the taste and the relaxing way tobacco makes me feel! Besides, I never got to have my good-bye cigarette. The swan-song inhalation if you will. Is that really fair? I don’t think so. It’s not like I was planning on fucking quitting. I just couldn’t breathe that day.
Day 8 came and went. There was less drama in my head, but not much less. And food is starting to look better and better. And I’m worried. Worried that I’m going to gain a gazillion pounds. I can already feel my ass swelling beneath me. I’m still drink oodles of water a day, which every expert out there says is supposed to be soooooo good for you. I really hate the experts.
Day 9 is today. I’ve been okay. I actually had a couple of seconds where I didn’t think about a cigarette. I’m still grieving that last puff, but I’m trying not to let it get the best of me. I actually worked out to a yoga/pilates video this afternoon. Made it about 13 minutes before I was completely zapped. Granted, I’m still not over the whole “coughing and congestion” thing, but it’s so much better than last week, so yeah.
Here’s to getting through one more minute without smoking. Cheers. Wheeze. I’m working on it.
Renee
Tagged: personal, quitting, smoking, support
